Meet the Horses! Vol.1

So I thought you'd like to meet the darlings I take care of every day. I wish I could say I loved them equally, like every mother should, but I don't. Maybe because I'm not their mother, though I certainly see them more than their mothers do.

This is Velvet Illusion, a.ka. Velvet:

She is absolutely the favorite of all employees, and pretty much every female to come through the barn. She's a fairy tale horse, the one every little girl dreams about. She's huge and lovely. Velvet is a Friesian/Percheron cross, so she has a very smooth gait and long hair around her "ankles." Her long, gorgeous mane is braided so it doesn't turn into dredlocks. She's only four years old and very inexperienced. Like every black horse that spends time in the sun, she turns a bit brown. She actually has terrible manners but no one cares, the spoiled brat. Here she is giving kisses, which she'll always do if asked:

This is Beau:

Clearly this is not a good angle for Beau, who is our big gay cheerleader. A sirly one, with a lazy streak - cheerleading to keep the scholarship. Huge, athletic, and always clean. He usually greets us with his ears pinned back, which is just rude. His registered name is Beautiful Mind, which...no. Mostly he's harmless. He has lazy feet; it sounds like he's about to trip and fall with every step. He's the biggest horse in the barn and becomes crazy in the cold weather, though that could be said of most of them.

Except, perhaps, for level-headed Jeno:

Jeno, a.k.a. Bubba, has an enormous head. If Beau is the gay male cheerleader, Jeno is the dumb but even-tempered linebacker. The last manager at the stable sequestered Jeno whenever she let him out because he loves to fight. He lures horses over to him with a sweet expression and a soft nicker, but within seconds they are snapping teeth. His foot's been caught in the electric wire fence several times because of his antics. For some reason, I refuse to separate him. Today I found evidence (scabs on his cheek) that he's been getting his ass handed to him (as much as you can get your ass handed to you over a fence) by none other than...

Baron, The Imp:

His impishness is seriously in question now, what with all the Smackdown. The ears, though, are so cute and pointy that it's hard to take him seriously. Baron regularly takes mid-morning naps, which of course I interrupted with my picture-taking because SHE MIGHT HAVE FOOD OMGGGG I BETTER GET UP!! He came from California and had issues with our hay at first, but I was having none of his high-maintenance ways. NO SPECIAL ORDERS.

See? Doesn't he have an impish face? I can't believe I didn't get him in his fly mask, because he looks like the biggest dork on the planet. Next time. (I guess I should clarify for you non-horsey folks that by "fly" I do not mean "bangin'," or "sexy." I mean flies. The ones that swarm shit.)

This is Andre, who is freaking the eff out about the camera flash:

Which didn't stop me from snapping away. All those spots you see are the dust he raised while circling and spazzing. Andre is a Saddlebred (read: a little schizo) which are the kind that snap their knees up really high when gaiting, which is basically trotting. They're usually quite spirited. He's actually a great horse, one of the lesson horses who belongs to the stable (a "school" horse). Aren't you learning so MUCH? Andre doesn't do any of that high-steppin' shit anymore, and I know he's glad about it.

This is another school horse, Anita:

Are you starting to think they all look alike? You betcha. Just spend a few weeks and they'll look as different as me and Gary Coleman.

This horse just sucks. Sorry, but she does. She is bona fide crazy. And a cow, apparently - again with a terrible picture. She can't take a good picture, however, because her confirmation is terrible and she'd never stand still. She's thrown so many people she's on sabbatical. She gets sick all the time so they put her on steroids, which she rarely eats, so she gets skinny, so they feed her more, so she has more energy to spook at clouds or grass twitching, resulting in a tornado of terror for the barn employees. But she licks the barn cat, Lily, which is adorable. Adorable and CRAZY.

This is H.B., one of the two quarterhorses in the barn:

What does H.B. stand for? I'm sure you're dying to know. His mama had a difficult pregnancy so they put her on all these herbs and out popped a healthy little horsey. They named him Herb Baby. He is ridiculously soft and is like that friend who never has any bright ideas about what to do on Saturday night, but will go along with whatever you have in mind.

Here's his "brother" Doc (they're owned by the same people):

Doc is an absolute mess. He's a stall-wrecker. He's always got something to say about the goings-on in the barn. He's ugly as shit in the winter because he grows these gangly white hairs all over. He's rude when you try to put the halter on, too. Not a fan.

Petey! This is Pete the Pony:

Pete is the third of three school horses. This picture does not do his perfectly round-bellied pony body, or the lusciousness of his long mane, which we refuse to trim. He's the only one who isn't blanketed in the cold because he grows the most amazing shaggy coat. Pete's so freakin' cute in the winter you just want to put him in your pocket. Here he's pictured licking the grain-infused slobber from another horse's stall. For some reason many of the horses put their mouths on the metal bars when they have a mouth full of food. So odd, so gross. This shall be Sasha's steed when she's old enough to ride. (But don't think I haven't put her on his back many times. She laughs and laughs! Very (financially) dangerous of me. Once you get a taste...)

Thus marks the end of Vol. 1. Stay tuned!